Unexpected

As I type this post on my new iPad (yay!), my son is asleep on my shoulder and I'm taking a moment to reflect on the last 10 weeks or so. The feelings that I have for him have evolved into something that I was never expecting. What started as disbelief and evolved into a tad bit of resentment (I'll admit it) has turned into that rainbow and sunshine feeling that I had been waiting and wishing for. We still have fussy days and I still get puked on, but I'm ok with that now. I've become the mom who can tell you what his crys mean and who can nurse in public without a nip slip (I fist bumped myself for that one). I've become a mom who can feed, dress (him and me), pack and be out the door in 1/2 hour. I've become a mom without even realizing it. Everything just seemed to click. Maybe it was because I didn't have a ton of help after the first two weeks. Maybe my hormones leveled out. Or maybe I just accepted that this was the new normal.

Five weeks ago, I remember telling Nick...begging Nick to stay home and let me go back to work instead. There were tears and irrational conversations. Through it all, he supported me and had faith that I would find my groove as a momma. He would encourage the smallest victories and interactions, hoping that I would latch on and build on it to find my confidence and new self. Through it all, I kept changing diapers and wiping spit up, hoping that I would start to get it. I had no idea what "it" was or when I'd know if I had it. I'm still not sure if I know when I got it, but I know that I did and it feels really really great.

What is "it" you might ask? It turned out to be funny faces during playtime, dancing in the kitchen, making up songs and being the one that he needed for comfort. It became outings to the mall and a television turned to the "off" position. It was walks in the sunshine and and fewer tears. It was Nick asking me questions and me answering confidently and passionately. It was mastering the Moby Wrap. Most of all, it was new feelings of purpose and the creeping feeling of working mommy guilt. Before, I was counting down and so ready to go back to work and now I find myself dreading it. This feeling is so unexpected that it caught me off guard. Suddenly, Motherhood doesn't feel like an obligation or a business transaction,. It feels like a reason to make sacrifices and hard choices. It also feels like a reason to play with toys and dance in the kitchen and its something that I definitely want to experience to the fullest.