Clarity

I know that I've been slacking on the blog front. I keep meaning to write a post and then I get distracted by a baby, a husband, a mutt, a TV show or a shiny object. Right now though, the baby is sleeping, the husband is at work, the mutt is napping and Drug Wars is on TV (its a repeat), so I can focus.

I also realize that I am two posts behind. Baby B is now 7 months old. YES. SEVEN. That means that he's been out for almost as long as he was in. For some reason, that thought blows my mind. I'll fill you in on his latest tricks in another post. Right now, this one's about me.

I'm one of those "everything is fine" people and it usually is. Lately though, I've been faking. A lot. Nick knows that I haven't been honest, but not many other people do. I've been struggling with mommy guilt and it has been consuming my thoughts. I've always been the type of person who had to have her cake and eat it too. I want to be everywhere and do everything, even if multiple things are happening at the same time. Becoming a mom has forced me to make a decision. I can't have everything (despite the popular Lean In philosophy), but I want everything.

The moment of clarity came to me the other night while walking with the family. I was trying to be the world's best wife, mom and employee and the pressure that I was putting on myself was completely taking over my brain and starting to creep into my marriage. Every night, Nick would listen to me talk in circles. Should I quit? Could I quit? If I quit, would I like it? Every night he would tell me that we could figure it out if I did, but that he wasn't convinced (and deep down, I'm not either) that becoming a stay at home mom would be the best fit for me.

At work, I'm finally hitting my stride. Social media is becoming more and more of a go-to marketing channel and I'm the one that is helping to shape and create the strategy that will drive it. I've worked very hard to get where I am and to do what I do. I take pride in the fact that my job has an impact on the lives of so many people, which is why I choose to work where I do.

Shortly after this conversation with Nick, I decided that I couldn't wait for timing to get better and I had to talk to my boss about a work from home day. I had been putting it off because of the insane workload that we are all dealing with right now, but it was becoming more and more apparent that the conversation couldn't wait.

Last week, our sitter called off at the last minute because her dad had a health issue. That meant that I got to stay home with B for the morning and then take him in to work with me in the afternoon. Although I was sad for our sitter (thank goodness her dad is okay), I was elated that I was "forced" to have that day. I also realized that I truly needed that day. It was more than a want, my soul needed to spend the extra time with B.

I asked the question, even though the timing wasn't right, and my boss agreed to let me work from home on Fridays. The only condition is that if I need to be in the office, I'm there, and I agree and understand. I'm on my second Friday with B and I can't describe the peace that I feel. Being away from him is difficult, but the light at the end of my weekly tunnel is closer now, and that makes everything easier.

I'm also finding that having a day with him is letting me be a better mom, wife and employee. I'm not trying to be everything at the same time and that is a huge relief and weight off of my shoulders. Having my day with him means that I don't feel the need to spend every waking minute with him on weekends. I can take time for myself and time for Nick and I, which will make me an even better mother and wife.