Blogging me

For some reason, when people ask if I have a blog, I say "yes," but with a hushed voice. I'm not quite sure why that is - maybe it is because I'm afraid of putting myself ALL the way out there or I'm afraid of criticism or maybe I'm worried that people will think it sucks? I was thinking about that today - and thinking about the reason that I started a blog in the first place, which was to learn! I wanted to learn how to write more than just emails and status updates (two jobs ago) and learn about how good content drives quality traffic (last job through present). I also wanted to have a place to document what I'm doing and feeling and wondering about because these days, I have a thought and then *pouf* it is gone...never to return again.

At the beginning, this blog was about travel, marriage and a mutt. Now it is about so much more. I still love to travel, I'm still married with a mutt (thank God), but now I have a few more things happening in my life, a real career + a full-time job and kids. Plural. Trying to balance (I hate that word) all of those things into a successful life is something that is harder than I could have ever imagined.

As the overachiever that I am, I have a tendency to beat myself up on a daily basis wondering if I'm sucking at motherhood or failing at work. My rational brain knows that the answer is no, but my emotions don't always listen to my brain.

So here I am. Six months after my last post. Back again, trying to reconcile the new me, who is a bunch of things that I can't always keep track of; wife, mom, professional, woman, daughter, friend, boss, colleague, sister and more. Keeping track of all of that will assure that there will be no shortage of content or stories. And, honestly - writing down my thoughts tends to help me organize them and gives my husband an understanding of what is happening in my head.

Next steps

Four and a half years ago, when I walked through the door of Thirty-One, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I had been drifting from job to job for the past 8 years, hoping for a career. Unfortunately, the economy was such that I didn't have a lot of choice when it came to the companies that would take me. I was at their mercy and I was literally begging for opportunities. So, my first job out of college was in a glorified call-center for an auto glass company. I lasted a year. Thankfully, because I had two, very specific key words on my resume, I was offered a job at an auto glass distributor. I jumped at the opportunity and learned the world of shipping, logistics and inventory management. As exciting and interesting as it was, it wasn't my passion and it wasn't what I wanted to do. Thankfully, the team that I worked for knew where my heart was and really supported me as I went to school and earned my Master's Degree in Marketing & Communications. At the time, I thought that it would be the magic piece of paper that would let me into the marketing world. Instead, I found myself with "too much education and not enough experience."

After a lot of resumes, cover letters and searching, a small marketing agency in Westerville, OH took a chance on me. Desperate, I agreed to a substantial pay-cut and took an entry-level position, on a financial client (non-sexy marketing), dead set on learning about marketing and promotions. After proving myself, I was then moved onto a CPG brand, doing similar work but in a different industry. It was the early 2000's and I had a flip phone. Facebook was a thing, but it wasn't the biggest thing. Then, Twitter came onto the scene and a friend and I decided to sign up, just to see what it was all about. It turns out that signing up for Twitter was the first block of many that would begin to build my career. I didn't know it at the time, but signing up for that account was one of those pivotal moments that you look back on with relief and gratitude.

Also happening at this time, brands were beginning to cautiously embrace social media as a way to connect with their consumers. I happened to be in the right place at the right time when the CPG brand that I worked on was willing to test the waters, so suddenly I was the voice of their brand on Facebook and Twitter. Content marketing wasn't a thing. Brands didn't have a social media strategy. I came up with posts on the fly. Engagement was free. Videos and graphics weren't necessary. We just talked to people and braced ourselves for the good, the bad and the crazy. BUT - because I had chosen to embrace the newest platform...Twitter, I was given the chance to be a part of those early conversations. I absolutely LOVED it. I have a vivid memory of coming home one day and telling Nick about what I had done during the day...explaining how Hootsuite worked and how I used it to manage multiple social media accounts. He looked straight at me and said, "Honey, I think you found your passion."

After a year or so of that and around four years at the agency, I wanted a change. I wanted to see what it was like on the brand side of the business. Once again, I began a job search that took FOREVER. I applied at many places, interviewed at a few and at the end, I had two offers; one from Thirty-One Gifts and one from the previous financial client. At that point, I knew three things: 1. I wanted out of the agency life, 2. I had limited options and 3. I was ready for an adventure. So, I signed my acceptance letter and started my very brief career as the world's worst Project Manager at a company that I had never heard of in an industry that I knew nothing about. I know now that I was on a really defined path that was completely and totally out of my control.

When I walked through those doors, almost five years ago, I walked in as a drifter...with some experience, two degrees and no real career. I began working on the Project Management team, realizing quickly that it wasn't the best fit for me. I'm someone who wants to roll up their sleeves and get things done, so being in the role of "overseer" and "reporter" wasn't the best fit for me. I gave myself a year to either make a move within the company or make a move out the door. Nine months later, I was given the opportunity to take on Thirty-One's social media presence, and of course I jumped. I was the only candidate that they considered and it was all because I had managed a large community of fans in my past position....something I was invited to do because I knew how "to Twitter."

During my time here, social media has progressed at lightening speed. Things in the space continue to evolve and change. Experts come and go and networks pop up and disappear. I've been lucky to have gotten in at the ground floor of a movement and trend that doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. I started out posting things on the fly and slowly watched as the organization changed and we received more support from talented writers, designers and photographers. I watched as reach increased, peaked and declined as Facebook and other networks became pay to play. This job and company gave me a platform to educate others on the proper use of social media, opportunities that I will be forever grateful for.

Now, almost five years later, it is time for me to make another move. This time though, thanks to those experiences and challenges, I am in the driver's seat. I've become an accidental expert in the field. A marketing professional that specializes in social media. It happened so gradual, and became second nature to me, so I almost didn't realize that it happened at all. I can't begin to articulate though how appreciative I am of my newfound direction, passion and purpose. Looking back, I've seen so many "God winks," that have and continue to pave my path to my next step. I wish I could sum everything up in one word or blog post, but there aren't enough words to describe the things that I've learned or the people that I've met. I can tell you that I'm walking out the door a different person than I was when I walked in.

It would be impossible to list everything that this job has given me. I've made amazing friends, unbelievable professional connections and have had opportunities that I never even imagined. (I've also added a lot of new t-shirts and Tervis tumblers to my collection too!) I have had the chance to volunteer and give back. I've seen faith in action. I have been embraced by a community that I didn't even know existed. Have there been challenges? Of course. But without the challenges that I've worked through, I wouldn't be ready to jump head first into yet another new chapter of my life.

So to everyone that I've worked for or with at Thirty-One, past or present. Thank you. I couldn't take this next step in my career path without the kindness and patience that you have given to me. Thank you for supporting me when I stumbled, for celebrating with me when I succeeded and for all of your kind words and encouragement as I leave today tot make this next step.  I can honestly say that I couldn't have done it without you.

Mommy lost her shit

It was inevitable that I would have to be a "single parent" for a few days while my hubby traveled. In my happy unicorn wonderland though, I figured it wouldn't be until my boys turned 10, which would obviously mean that they were potty trained and semi-rational, right? Wrong. Off hubby went into the wild blue yonder (Chicago), for approximately two mornings and three evenings. I say this because those are the critical times when being outnumbered by tiny humans could prove to be problematic.

I know that my approximately 72 hours of single motherhood doesn't compare to the millions of women whose reality is solo parenting. I don't think I'm as strong as you all are, or maybe its because I don't have to be. My life, my happy bubble has been carefully designed for two parents to share the workload of potty training, sheet changing, tooth brushing, diaper changing, pump part washing, transporting and feeding. When one of those parents isn't present, I can feel a shift in the matrix and suddenly my world is imbalanced. 

This all came to a head yesterday morning when mommy lost her shit. Our mornings are usually a delicate dance of timing and partnership, with a side of pumping and nursing, which essentially puts me out of commission for approximately 40 minutes. This normally isn't an issue, since my husband is around to wrangle while I'm attached to a baby or to a pump, meaning we are getting double the morning "chores" done in the same amount of time. Yesterday morning though, after pumping and feeding and dressing my tiniest human, it was time to get the larger, louder, smellier one out of bed. As soon as he woke up, he was hell bent on doing the opposite of what I asked or told him to do. It started with waking up, then potty, then teeth, then underwear, then clothes. Finally, as I was trying unsuccessfully to wrestle him into a pair of Paw Patrol Underwear (because he wanted Mickey, duh), I lost it. I looked at my crying, squirming, fighting three-year old and screamed at him to stop it. It shocked him for a moment before he continued on his rampage, ranting about his underwear and refusing to put on shorts. After I realized what I had done, I quickly put myself in time out, giving us both time to calm down and try again.

Somehow, we managed to calm down enough to continue getting dressed and get out the door (no playtime, no backpack, no shoes and no breakfast) and move on from the morning ordeal. It was a quiet ride to the sitter's house, since we were both pissed. I took the time to reflect on my outburst and feel extremely guilty that I lost it, but very happy that I didn't rethink my stance on spanking.

However, that evening, something happened. I found my mojo. My rational brain kicked in and determined that my tiny human just needed to run out his energy. The early darkness had kicked off an unfortunate chain of events that went something like this: Tiny human doesn't get to play outside, so tiny human plays inside. Playing inside means that you can't run around like a fool to burn off your energy, so when its time for bed, tiny human isn't tired. Instead of going to bed and falling asleep, tiny human fights and fights, escaping from bed several time. FINALLY, the tiny human falls asleep...way too late, meaning that waking said human up in the morning is IMPOSSIBLE and AWFUL, kicking off a crazy ass morning of shit losing and fighting.

So. I decided to take matters into my own hands. I picked them up from the sitter and headed off to Burger King for dinner. Burger King was chosen only because our restaurant has a play land, complete with tunnels and a slide and a place to climb. After we ate dinner, we headed into the germ infested wonderland and woah was B pleased. He climbed and slid and climbed some more. When it was time to leave, he didn't fight me (ok honestly, I bribed him with a cookie). We got home and had a successful evening, which led us to a pleasant morning. 

I'm not proud of how I behaved myself in the morning, but I'm super proud of myself for adjusting my approach and learning from my mistake. It was comforting to speak to other moms who have gone through similar mornings to know that I wasn't doing things wrong or scarring him for life. In fact, I know that he forgot about the whole ordeal, especially when I told him we'd be heading to an indoor "pwayground!!!!"

So instead of focusing on my min-melt down, I'm going to focus on the fun we've been having and the fact that all three of us...and the mutt...are still alive and well, waiting for daddy to come home tonight.

Making rainbow pancakes for dinner.

Kicking me out of the bathroom, so he could do his thing.

"This is a really nice dinner, mommy."

"I have glasses."

"Fine, I'll chew this damn bone."

Pajama party! 

A moment of quiet in the morning. Two two-leggers and one four-legger in the bottom, left corner.

Nursing necessities!

I'm month four into my second term as a nursing mother. I'm proud to say that I did it for twelve full months with my first son and hope for a repeat performance with number two. Nursing for any number of months is a huge accomplishment, but I'm especially proud that I did it, and am doing it again as a full-time working momma. So, as I'm sitting here in my company's "Mother's Room" pumping away, I thought it very fitting to put together a little list of my nursing must-haves. Some of these things I figured out myself and others were from some of my mentor moms, working hard and doing what I do. So, here you go.

1. A great breast pump. I've always used Medela. First, the Freestyle and now the Pump in Style Advanced. Having a good breast pump is crucial to maintaining your supply when you're away from your baby for 8+ hours per day. Another plus - is that I was able to grab mine for free through insurance.
2. The Easy Expression Bustier from Medela. Just trust me, be hands-free if you can. Especially at work. 
3. Breast milk storage bags. When all of your pumping pays off, you'll need somewhere to store that liquid gold. I love Lanisoh - the bags are large and durable, giving you room for pouring without the risk of overflow.
4. Freezer milk storage. Last time, I kept frozen milk in the freezer, on the door. This time, I found a solution from Milkies, which is a compact way to organize and store frozen breast milk.
5. Fenugreek. Something that I ended up figuring out on my own, with help from Google, that my milk supply would drop a bit, leading up to the start of my monthly cycle. Before I knew what was happening, it made me panic. Once I realized it, I started to load up on Fenugreek, to maintain things until it passed.
6. Mother's Milk Tea to promote lactation. This is something that I just started drinking this time around. If I feel like my supply is lower, I have a couple of cups of this tea during the day and it seems to do the trick.
7. Coverd Goods nursing cover. Again - there are many different types of covers, I have three that I really like and tend to rotate though. Each one is great, but so far, my favorite has been my Covered Goods nursing cover. It literally wraps around me so that my belly and back aren't sticking out. This design also reduces the risk of flashing, if baby wants to have a party under there.

I hope that this list is helpful for you or for a mom-to-be. Even though this isn't my first rodeo, I'm still learning and finding things to make this part of the journey easier for me and for my tiny human.

A letter to my second baby

I've seen countless letters to second children, apologetic in nature. Apologizing for more stressed out parents, less time, less money, etc. As I am sitting here, enjoying the last two weeks of my maternity leave, I want to write a different kind of letter, hopefully one that will make up for the lack of letters that I wrote to you while you were a mere fetus, instead of my beautiful baby boy.

Dear Z,

First of all, welcome to the family! Your arrival was much anticipated and planned. We wanted to add you to our crazy family of three plus a furbaby. You are such a lucky little guy because you arrived to a family who was already in a bit of a groove. What does that mean, you might ask? Well, you have a mommy who bonded a lot better with you while you were in my tummy. You have a daddy who physically and mentally helped mommy through her pregnancy and you have a big brother who is SO excited about his new role.

I'll admit it - the nine months leading up to your arrival were a lot different than with your brother. We didn't have showers (we had it all!), we didn't take classes (we got this!) and we didn't spend hours wandering around the baby stores, wide eyed and overwhelmed. We enjoyed our time together, wondering what it would be like when you joined in on the fun. We talked to your brother about his new responsibility and laughed when we thought about Chino's reaction to ANOTHER two legger.

We planned for you and wondered what you would be like. Honestly, daddy and I thought that you were going to be a girl. You were a much different fetus than your big brother and my body did things a little bit different this time. I thought a lot about you and wondered how you would make your entrance into this world. We hoped for a healthy and easy delivery and a happy and healthy baby...and were so overwhelmed when both wishes came true.

I'm proud to say that I've grown up as a wife and mommy, so our time together was fun from the start. I'll admit, I'm not a baby person...but you made it easy on me, understanding that eating and sleeping were two skills to master, ASAP.

Instead of apologizing to you for what we can't or won't do differently from your brother, I want to welcome you to our family with open arms, a happy heart and a healthy mind. I love you so much and am super pumped to be your mommy.

Love,
Momma

Two

I think a lot when I'm driving two and from work. A lot of times, this is the only time that I give myself permission to do so. When I'm at home, I'm thinking about the dishwasher, dinner, the next morning's smoothie, B's laundry situation, my laundry situation, the fact that I haven't read a real book in months, what shows I need yes NEED to watch, why I'm a crappy homemaker...etc. But in the car, listening to the radio...by myself, I can think. Yes, I'm guilty of thinking about all of those other things that are going on in my life, but other times I think about my life in general and I find that that time is a great chance to reflect and process my thoughts and feelings.

Most of the time, these thoughts and feelings stay in my head, contained to my car and never come out. They stay in my head until the next morning or afternoon. On the rare occasion that they come out - they tend to come out in the form of a blog, which gives my hubby a rare look into my more rational/emotional brain. The part of my brain that doesn't really care when the dishwasher was last emptied or if the Google calendar is updated...this is the part of my brain that actually matters.

So, back to the title of this post. Is really is a thought that has been rattling around for some time...since last October to be exact.

On my first child's 2nd Birthday, I found out that I was going to be a mother of two. This revelation was not unplanned, it was actually in the works for quite some time, but the fact that the little peanut made him/herself known on that day was extra special. Two on the 2nd. How cool is that? Just to be sure, I took two pregnancy tests (both turned out positive) and then began the realization that I would have kidS. Notice the S at the end? Yes, I still think it needs capitalized. I'm still in disbelief that I get to do this again, but oh so-happy and looking forward to adding another one to our party...emphasis on party of three.

Things that make me happy

I have no explanation or recollection as to when I became obsessed with pineapples (and flamingos), but at some point it happened and it stuck. My parents reminded me that when I was little, they used to call me the Pineapple Princess...and B is pretty excited to remind me that when I was a little "gwurl" I used to be a Pineapple "Pwincess." Hearing him say that, gets me every time.

So, I present, without further ado, my latest accessory, featuring my obsession: Pineapple Flip Flops.

To get your own, run, don't walk to Kohl's. They are on sale for $12.99, and you can get an added discount with your trusty Kohl's coupon. I had 30% off - booya! Unfortunately, it looks like they are almost out of stock online...unless you wear a size 6? Perhaps others share my obsession?

Behold. The pineapple flips.

B was pretty impressed with them too. Modeling and running around.

Chino? Not so much.

I suck at blogging

I just logged on to my blog and realized that I haven't posted an update since January. I'm both appalled and mortified at the same time. I know that things are busy, but have they really gotten so busy that I haven't taken 5 minutes to type up a funny story or post a photo with a caption? Apparently so.

I think it's time to take my own advice and create an editorial calendar for myself. Not so that you can view my oh-so glamorous life of home organization and organic food (ha - that made me LOL). No. This is so I can capture some of the stories behind the zillions of photos that are taking up all of the memory on my phone. So I can scroll back and remember the background information that I promise I won't forget. So that I can shamelessly plug brands that I love and Influenster and BzzAgent campaigns that I'm a part of (and hopefully get more free stuff).

More to come - but at least now I have an update here from May 2015.

{Stuff}

Last night, while I was trying to turn my brain off to go to sleep, I had a mini eureka. This might stem for my persistent need to organize everything in my life these days, but I started thinking about this blog. For a few weeks, I've toyed with the idea of changing the title, even reserving a couple of candidates on Blogspot, just incase. No matter what I thought, nothing seemed to fit. The {stuff} is what makes me..me and what makes my life crazy and complete. So. In an effort to organize my thoughts, my posts and this blog, I'm going to switch the format around a bit and focus on the {stuff}. I'm going to share {Stuff} I love, {Stuff} I've tried, {Stuff} I've gone and of course {Stuff}ed full of Adventures, the places that we've gone with our tiny human and grumpy mutt. I'm excited to start to focus on the content and the posts that are truly a part of me as a wife, mom and social media professional. Stay tuned!

Advice to myself

*Quote created using Rhonna Designs* 

If I knew then...

I'm lucky enough to be at that age, where my friends keep having babies! Some of my friends are on to kid #2 or kid #3, but a few are waiting on their number one. As a pretty new mom, I'm doing my best to keep my mouth shut and to only weigh in when asked. If you know me in person, you know that this is no less than a monumental task. When the urge to insert myself strikes, I take a step back and remember how much fun it was to figure things out. So whether my friend asks, or we decide to have a number two, I wanted to make sure that I captured just a few things that I wish I would have known when my B was still a bun in the oven, cooking away.

1. Ask your momma friends and really listen. I know that I asked, but I didn't retain or realize how much they could have helped provide support, insight and guidance.
2. Selectively read the Internet. Find what works for you and what speaks to you and do that (within reason, of course). Sometimes it provides the validation that you aren't a crazy person, which is much needed when you are a new mom.
3. Think about phases. When you register, think about what you need now, what you'll need then, and what you'll need later. Prioritizing into those buckets will help make sure that your registry isn't' filled with burp cloths and receiving blankets.
4. Get done what you can get done and cut yourself a break. Do what you can do while you feel good and before you feel huge. So what if your nursery is done before you're even 6 months along? When your ankles are swollen, you'll thank yourself.
5. Download the apps. There are so many that give you lots of tips and information about your body, your baby and your pregnancy. They were a wealth of knowledge and let you digest everything in easy to read nuggets. My favorites: BabyCenter, Pampers Hello Baby, What To Expect Baby, What to Expect Pregnancy, iBreastffeed (from Medela). I loved seeing what he looked like each week and learning about how his little brain and body were developing. The BabyCenter community was great for reading about crazy pregnancy symptoms and feelings.
6. Explore an herbal and holistic approach. This was something that never dawned on me until close to the end of my pregnancy. I happened to walk into Petali teas, a small tea shop in Granville, OH, looking for something delicious and decaf. The tea that was recommended was a French Lemon Cream flavor. The owner informed me that this particular tea has been used by women in South Africa to help prevent colic in babies. When I found that out, I started drinking it daily. B never had colic and I don't know if it can be attributed to the tea, but I can say that someday when I have Baby #2, that tea will be a part of my daily routine. Buy your own here, direct from Petali Teas (they ship direct to you)!!!
7. Keep an open mind. Remember that you can plan everything, down to the delivery and hospital, but that your body and baby are the boss of the moment. Be prepared and brace yourself so that if you are thrown a curve ball, you can adapt.
8. Be in awe. Take a few minutes to think about what is happening to you and realize the gravity of the miracle that you are carrying in your belly. Before, during and shortly after my pregnancy, I took a lot of things for granted. I took for granted the ease in which I was able to become pregnant. I took for granted the lack of "pregnancy symptoms" - meaning - I had a really EASY pregnancy. I took for granted a very easy delivery - so easy that I literally said, as I was being cleaned up that, "it wasn't that bad, I could do that again!" I took for granted my very healthy, happy awesome, baby boy. Not everyone gets to experience the miracle that I got to experience. Not everyone has such an "easy" journey to motherhood.

My first SO WHAT Wednesday!

I discovered a new blog, "Life After I Dew," thanks to my hair stylist Holly. Once I started reading, I was hooked. She's a mom, she isn't perfect and she shares REAL ideas (not just Pinterest beauty shots). One of her weekly posts is SO WHAT Wednesdays! So here is my very first go at it! 

This week, I'm saying SO WHAT if…

• I haven't done much laundry since Christmas. If I don't want to wear the clothes that are left in my drawers, it may be time to do a purge.
• I can't get my lazy butt out of bed to exercise in the morning. As long as I do it at some point in the day, that is winning and I'm going to stop beating myself up about it.
• I've continued to eat chocolate and sweets every day. If I give it up completely, it will just be a recipe for disaster.
• I'm walking more than I'm running these days. As long as I'm moving and the sweat is flowing, that's all that really matters.
• My days aren't perfect…I'm finding that the most perfect days rarely are.

What are you saying SO WHAT to this week?

One of those Mommy Moments

Dear B.,

I just had one of those moments with you that I hope I never forget. I'm sitting here typing this with tears running down my face because my heart is so full. And just so you know, there isn't much that can make me cry besides you and your brother, Chino.

Tonight was just a typical Monday night. We had a minor dinner disaster, which forced us to pull out some leftover meatloaf from the freezer. Daddy had a conference call for work, so he was eating in the dining room, which meant that you and I had evening playtime to ourselves. You chose to read some books and play in your rocking chair.

You had to sit first and then I handed you your book.

As the clock ticked closer to 7:00, I noticed the telltale signs of bedtime. You get extra snuggly and sit still for more than just a few seconds. Lately, you love to listen to "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Hickory Dickory Dock" play on my phone while curled up on my lap. When snuggles turned to whimpers, I asked if you were ready to brush your teeth.

You love to brush your teeth, so when I asked you, you squirmed off of my lap and RAN down the hall to the steps. When I opened the gate, you scrambled upstairs and marched into the bathroom, saying "teeth." We brushed and rinsed and then you ran down the hallway to your room for me to change your diaper, put you into your pajamas, read you a book and put you to bed.

Usually, I put you in your crib and you flip over to your belly and go right to sleep. Tonight was different though, and I'm not sure why. When I put you down, you immediately started to cry. Sometimes you cry a little while you get situated and comfortable, so I didn't come back to your room right away. Instead, I went to our bedroom to grab some laundry and then headed to the basement to throw it in the washing machine. When I came back upstairs, you were still crying, so I went to your room and picked you up. You stopped immediately.

We sat in the rocking chair and I sang you your favorite songs. We alternated between "You are my sunshine" and "1 little 2 little B's" singing some verses and humming others. You snuggled into my lap, leaned your head back, sucked your thumb and played with your blankets. When I had run through both songs several times, we just sat in silence while I rocked you. Your eyes were open but you were relaxed, still sucking your thumb and keeping a firm grip on your blankets. Finally, you took your thumb out of your mouth, looked up at me and put your hand on my face. We sat there for a few more quiet moments and then you leaned forward as if you were ready for bed. I stood up, said goodnight, put you down and off to dreamland you went.

Tonight, I took my own advice and lived in the moment with you. The dishes are still dirty, the laundry is piled up and there are toys all over the floor. I have work to do and emails to send, but tonight, you needed your mommy, so none of that mattered. Thank you for that moment that you gave me and for the pure joy you injected into my soul, it was as if you knew how much I needed it.

Love,
Momma

Bend your knees and balance

Since I went back to work in January, mommy guilt has been a constant. In an effort to try to achieve balance or maybe to justify my position as a working mom, I decided to read the book, Lean In, to gain another perspective on my new situation.

The my kind-of new but not that new anymore reality is that I'm now a full time wife, mom, and employee. That is 300% of one person, which is a lot. The basis of Lean In is that support is essential for any woman to achieve success in her life (personal + professional) and I'm lucky that I have that. I just tend to put a lot of the pressure on myself to be the best, know the most and to have it all together. When I feel one area slipping, I get a little panicky and scramble to get it together, which often leads to more panic. 

As I've acclimated to being a working mom, I've been lucky enough to have conversations with friends to find out that I'm not alone in these feelings. We all are feeling the pressure to be the best at everything, which means that something's gotta give, but we won't let it. We're all strong women, with professional goals who don't want to miss a second of their kids' lives. In a nutshell: We want to have our cake, eat it too and collect a full time salary while we're doing it. 

Honestly, I'm probably taking this too literally, but the idea of "leaning in" to my career, scares the crap out of me. I'm a classic Type A overachiever. I want to be the best at what I do, whatever that may be. Now that I'm a mom, this means that I have to be the best mom in the history of moms. I have to win at mommy-ing.

What I was hoping to read from the pages of "Lean In" was some fresh perspective on balance. Instead, what I read was about how you should Lean In to your career and rely on your partner for support as you continue your climb up the corporate ladder. Throughout the book, it seemed as if childrearing was more of a transaction than an experience. As long as one parent was home, that would be ok...that counted. Maybe for Sheryl Sandberg that was enough, but for me, the thought of leaning further into my job instead of into my new role as a mother is a scary thought.

Instead of "Leaning In", I'm taking a different approach. My approach is to bend my knees and balance. Some days, I have to lean in and some days I have to lean back, but if I keep my knees soft, I can be flexible to attack whatever may be in store.  

Did you read the book? Are you leaning in, leaning back or doing a little bit of both?

Holy. Crap.

The past year has been such a blur of emotions. As a new mom with a full-time job, this doesn't surprise me. What did surprise me was when I felt myself starting to come into my own as both a mom and a wife…I'm not sure if I would go so far to say that I'm starting to find myself, but I really think that I am. The changes are subtle and a lot of people may not even notice, but to me, they are profound. I'm starting to weigh options and activities against the marathon of pregnancy, childbirth and breast-feeding. I'm making decisions based on how important they are to me and not because they are the things I should be doing because everyone else is doing.

I made one of those decisions a few days ago. I registered for the Cap City 1/2 Marathon on May 3.

Let me type that again - maybe so I can read it again. I registered for the Cap City 1/2 Marathon.

Me.

Me who hasn't really exercised much since B was born because I can't seem to justify the time spent away from him.

Me, who hates running with a passion and who whined and complained through two (yes, two) half-marations in 2010.

Me, who abruptly stopped running after those two marathons (after getting into the best shape of my life, by the way).

Those scenarios and examples were the definitions of the old me…or maybe the previous me.

All I could think of when I hit the "register" button on that 1/2 Marathon was, "I can do this."

Me, who carried that tiny human for 9 months.

Me, who held on through labor until I got to 9cm.

Me, who made a ONE YEAR commitment to breast-feed and did it.

Me, who wants to be a strong, healthy momma and wife for my two boys and fur baby.

Me.

Becoming a mom has shifted how I perceive myself. I don't know when it happened, but realizing it is incredibly humbling and empowering. The old me, would have thought that 12 weeks of training (or in my case, 4 1/2 months) was FOREVER. Now, I realize that  this is just a blip on the calendar that will happen whether I run or not. The pain of training and running has faded away and all I can remember is how powerful it was to log those miles and feel that sweat. Instead of dreading the training ahead of me, I'm looking forward to the journey.

Products I love: Kashi™ Hummus Crisps

When I was invited to join the Kashi Hummus Crisps BzzCampaign, I jumped at the chance. Kashi has been one of my favorite brands for quite awhile and their cereal and granola bars have been a staple in my pantry for a long time. Since Kashi is known for real and healthy ingredients, I was very excited that they were stepping into the snack food category. 

As part of my BzzKit, I received a bag of Kashi Hummus Crisps to try for free and a small stack of coupons. The flavor that I got to try was the Sea Salt & Olive Oil, although the crisps also come in Caramelized Onion and Sundried Tomato Basil & Feta.

As I expected, these chips were delicious! I say "were" because the bag has been gone for quite some time. They are the perfect standalone snack or sandwich accessory. The texture is very light and crispy with a subtle flavor. The bag is a good size and contains three generous servings (27 chips/serving). Really, you could eat the entire bag for just under 400 calories, which isn't too shabby, if I do say so myself. Did I eat the whole bag? No. But I did think about it.

I can't say enough about how delicious these chips are. I've since tried the Caramelized Onion, which is also delicious, but I would suggest having gum or mints on hand, because that flavor is pretty strong. My next trip to the grocery store will include the Sundried Tomato Basil & Feta, so I can truly pick a favorite.

As a BzzAgent, I did receive these chips for free and this blog post is one of my campaign activities. Being a BzzAgent is tons of fun and gives you the chance to try lots of new products for free or at a discount! Check it out here: https://www.bzzagent.com

Get Messy

Source: Here

The other night, I was on dinner duty with B and Chino. I needed a quick and easy dinner, something (somewhat) nutritious and of course, delicious. I stopped at Trader Joe's on my way home from work and grabbed some frozen gnocchi and some ground beef to throw together when I got home. I thought for a second about how messy B would get as he LITERALLY stuffed his face with it, but then decided to embrace it. Instead of feeding him with a fork, I stripped him down to his diaper, sat him in his high chair and let him go to town. I'm so very glad that I did. He had an absolute blast, picking up the food and feeding himself. By the end of it, his fact was covered, the high chair tray was covered and Chino was a very happy mutt, since he was the beneficiary of the food that was flying during all of the excitement. Of course, I posted the photo of B on Facebook because everyone loves a messy baby. He got a lot of likes and comments, but one comment stood out. Someone said that she was afraid to try that with her own son because she was afraid of the mess. In that moment, I decided not to be afraid of the mess but to embrace the mess. The mess is the fun part. Yes, it took some extra baby wipes and a post-dinner bath to clean it all up. Yes, I found ground beef in his diaper (how does that happen?), but the smiles and the fun and the laughter were all worth it. I know that some days, we won't have time to embrace the mess, but I'm going to do my best to wrap my arms around it and to live in the now, thinking about the consequences later. 

Breast Feeding - What they didn't tell me

Shortly after B was born, I captured my birth story, but I've been hesitant to write about my breast feeding story because it isn't over yet. I'm only on chapter 9 1/2 of at least 12. I may have more to share after the pump is packed away and I can finally go back to (my version of) normal bras.

Before B was born, I had decided that I would nurse, if I could. I knew at it was important and I also knew that what my body was making for him was exactly what he needed. In the back of my head, I gave myself permission to switch to formula if I had to, but I hoped and prayed that it wouldn't be necessary.

When B was born, I thought that he would just know what to do. I mean, his primary job in life was to eat so he could poop, pee, sleep and repeat. Boy, was I wrong. He didn't know how to latch and neither did I. While we were in the hospital, I struggled with different positions, trying to help him get with the program. I  asked for help from nurses and met with  lactation consultants. He would latch for a minute or two and then let go. I was frustrated and hormonal and creeping closer to throwing in the towel. B was losing weight, which made me nervous, but I continued to try. Thankfully, my mom was there to remind me that nursing was hard and I had to stick with it. Looking back, I'm so glad that I did. Hindsight is 20/20, and now that I look back, I know why we struggled so much. My milk hadn't come in yet. Simple as that. Once the liquid gold started flowing, B got with the program, started gaining weight and we never looked back.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very, very grateful for the information that the lactation consultants and nurses shared with me. I can't help but feel, though, that some information was left out. Maybe it is because they hadn't been nursing moms for awhile and they forgot about the bad parts and also what it was like to have this brand new, tiny human to take care of. That is completely understandable, if we didn't forget about those parts, this world would be full of only children. I'm such an optimistic person, so maybe the problem was me, expecting more rainbows and unicorns? Either way - this is some of the information that I wished I had known before baby B was ready to latch on.

• They said that breast feeding shouldn't hurt, it should be a "gentle tugging." I have to say, during those first few weeks, it hurt like hell. Imagine someone sucking on your nipple for hours and hours each day. Of course it is going to hurt. The good news? It passed quickly after the girls toughened up. The bad news? Until that happened, it felt like B was chomping down on my nipples when he latched on. The better news? He is too little to remember the swear words that I screamed before my nips were properly conditioned.

• They told me that there would be days that I was feeding him a lot. That was basically the understatement of the year. Two words: cluster feeding. Look it up. Cluster feeding is what your baby does when he needs you to kick up the milk supply. Cluster feeding means that you will literally be feeding him or her CONSTANTLY. Had I known the magnitude of those two words, I would have saved myself the time and heartache, trying to calm a hungry newborn that had just eaten.

• Nipple confusion. Thinking back, this cracks me up. I know that he was literally born yesterday when I heard about this, but I can't see how he could confuse a nipple that produces food with one that doesn't. Just sayin'.

• Proper nursing position. They tried to show me how to make B lay when it was time to eat. Try as I might, he wouldn't cooperate. Baby's gonna do what baby's gonna do. If input and output are happening as they should, let him do what he wants as long as its comfortable for the both of you.

• Formula is not the devil. Personally, I never had to use it, but its there if you need it and I have a friend who had to supplement until her milk came in. Both her and her baby are doing wonderfully and she is one that made it to 12 months of successful breast feeding.

• The gave me these little tubes of Lanisoh to apply to my nipples after each feeding. As I look back, I wonder if that made things a little too slippery for B, screwing up his latch. It did prevent cracked and chapped nips though, which is definitely a good thing.

Now that I'm into month 9 of mommy hood and breast feeding, I can say proudly that I did it. I'm a full-time working mom with a happy, healthy baby boy. I even managed to produce enough milk to have a stash in the freezer (thanks to my trusty Medela Freestyle Pump). Was it easy? No. Was I a tad neurotic when it came to nursing and Pumping? Yes, because protecting that food supply is one of the most important jobs that I had during this first year.

As I'm watching my supply reduce in response to B's adventurous palette, I have mixed emotions. I'm sad that my little baby is getting bigger, but so proud that he's quitting me, naturally and gradually and even prouder of myself that I'm seeing this through and never gave up.

Don't get me wrong, I received some great and super useful information. I don't mean to be negative, but I wish that I had heard more of the bad to go along with the good. Knowing that I wasn't doing something wrong would have helped calm my crazy hormones...or at least refocus them on to another area of perceived inadequacy.

Month Six

Dear B.,

How are you already six months old! The last month has flown by, which isn't surprising. I've been slacking on the blog, so this will be more of a list for you. Its getting harder and harder to keep track of all of your firsts. Good thing I'm kind of a maniac with the camera, so I can at least flip back through my phone to see what we were up to. I'm looking at it now and can't help but smile at how much you've already changed. Some of the fun you had:

• Bath time! You love to kick the water and the cups in the tub. You've been moved to the big boy bathtub because of the nightly tidal waves. 
  
  
  
• Your first Easter! Of course, you pooped your pants and spit up, RIGHT before we met the bunny. The photo came out great though. Your grammy, grampy and aunt were all there to watch. You wore a special outfit that your Aunt Kristin bought for you. 
  
• Pinkeye! Thanks to your friends at daycare, you came home with this. You took your eyedrops like a champ and never missed a beat. I think you enjoyed having your daddy and me home for an extra day since you were banned from Lana's.
• Up on all fours! You are up on your hands and knees, rocking back and forth. You have some scooting that you've mastered, but you haven't crawled yet. I'm wondering if you'll skip right to walking? When I took this photo, you had just plopped down on your tummy.
  
• Lots of smiles. You are getting more and more engaging, laughing and interacting with your daddy and I. It melts my heart every time and there isn't anything I won't do to make you laugh.
• First trip to the zoo. I'll never forget you seeing the fish for the first time. Even now, it brings tears to my eyes.
  
  
  
• First pair of shorts. I know that this isn't a major thing, but you looked so darn cute.

I know that I say this every month, but I am having so much fun being your mom. I'm still suffering from a horrible case of mommy guilt, but the more I think about it, I think that its a good thing. That means that when I pick you up from Lana's house, I'm all yours. There aren't any chores happening, just playtime, walks and fun. Daddy and I take care of the house stuff (sometimes) after you go to bed. You are such a good sleeper, but a stickler for a schedule. Bedtime begins around 7pm every night with your bath and then you sleep until around 6:45-7am the next day. You choose to get your sleep at night so you don't miss anything during the day. Honestly, I'm happy that you do this because it just means more time for fun.

Love,

Momma

Clarity

I know that I've been slacking on the blog front. I keep meaning to write a post and then I get distracted by a baby, a husband, a mutt, a TV show or a shiny object. Right now though, the baby is sleeping, the husband is at work, the mutt is napping and Drug Wars is on TV (its a repeat), so I can focus.

I also realize that I am two posts behind. Baby B is now 7 months old. YES. SEVEN. That means that he's been out for almost as long as he was in. For some reason, that thought blows my mind. I'll fill you in on his latest tricks in another post. Right now, this one's about me.

I'm one of those "everything is fine" people and it usually is. Lately though, I've been faking. A lot. Nick knows that I haven't been honest, but not many other people do. I've been struggling with mommy guilt and it has been consuming my thoughts. I've always been the type of person who had to have her cake and eat it too. I want to be everywhere and do everything, even if multiple things are happening at the same time. Becoming a mom has forced me to make a decision. I can't have everything (despite the popular Lean In philosophy), but I want everything.

The moment of clarity came to me the other night while walking with the family. I was trying to be the world's best wife, mom and employee and the pressure that I was putting on myself was completely taking over my brain and starting to creep into my marriage. Every night, Nick would listen to me talk in circles. Should I quit? Could I quit? If I quit, would I like it? Every night he would tell me that we could figure it out if I did, but that he wasn't convinced (and deep down, I'm not either) that becoming a stay at home mom would be the best fit for me.

At work, I'm finally hitting my stride. Social media is becoming more and more of a go-to marketing channel and I'm the one that is helping to shape and create the strategy that will drive it. I've worked very hard to get where I am and to do what I do. I take pride in the fact that my job has an impact on the lives of so many people, which is why I choose to work where I do.

Shortly after this conversation with Nick, I decided that I couldn't wait for timing to get better and I had to talk to my boss about a work from home day. I had been putting it off because of the insane workload that we are all dealing with right now, but it was becoming more and more apparent that the conversation couldn't wait.

Last week, our sitter called off at the last minute because her dad had a health issue. That meant that I got to stay home with B for the morning and then take him in to work with me in the afternoon. Although I was sad for our sitter (thank goodness her dad is okay), I was elated that I was "forced" to have that day. I also realized that I truly needed that day. It was more than a want, my soul needed to spend the extra time with B.

I asked the question, even though the timing wasn't right, and my boss agreed to let me work from home on Fridays. The only condition is that if I need to be in the office, I'm there, and I agree and understand. I'm on my second Friday with B and I can't describe the peace that I feel. Being away from him is difficult, but the light at the end of my weekly tunnel is closer now, and that makes everything easier.

I'm also finding that having a day with him is letting me be a better mom, wife and employee. I'm not trying to be everything at the same time and that is a huge relief and weight off of my shoulders. Having my day with him means that I don't feel the need to spend every waking minute with him on weekends. I can take time for myself and time for Nick and I, which will make me an even better mother and wife.