Clarity

I know that I've been slacking on the blog front. I keep meaning to write a post and then I get distracted by a baby, a husband, a mutt, a TV show or a shiny object. Right now though, the baby is sleeping, the husband is at work, the mutt is napping and Drug Wars is on TV (its a repeat), so I can focus.

I also realize that I am two posts behind. Baby B is now 7 months old. YES. SEVEN. That means that he's been out for almost as long as he was in. For some reason, that thought blows my mind. I'll fill you in on his latest tricks in another post. Right now, this one's about me.

I'm one of those "everything is fine" people and it usually is. Lately though, I've been faking. A lot. Nick knows that I haven't been honest, but not many other people do. I've been struggling with mommy guilt and it has been consuming my thoughts. I've always been the type of person who had to have her cake and eat it too. I want to be everywhere and do everything, even if multiple things are happening at the same time. Becoming a mom has forced me to make a decision. I can't have everything (despite the popular Lean In philosophy), but I want everything.

The moment of clarity came to me the other night while walking with the family. I was trying to be the world's best wife, mom and employee and the pressure that I was putting on myself was completely taking over my brain and starting to creep into my marriage. Every night, Nick would listen to me talk in circles. Should I quit? Could I quit? If I quit, would I like it? Every night he would tell me that we could figure it out if I did, but that he wasn't convinced (and deep down, I'm not either) that becoming a stay at home mom would be the best fit for me.

At work, I'm finally hitting my stride. Social media is becoming more and more of a go-to marketing channel and I'm the one that is helping to shape and create the strategy that will drive it. I've worked very hard to get where I am and to do what I do. I take pride in the fact that my job has an impact on the lives of so many people, which is why I choose to work where I do.

Shortly after this conversation with Nick, I decided that I couldn't wait for timing to get better and I had to talk to my boss about a work from home day. I had been putting it off because of the insane workload that we are all dealing with right now, but it was becoming more and more apparent that the conversation couldn't wait.

Last week, our sitter called off at the last minute because her dad had a health issue. That meant that I got to stay home with B for the morning and then take him in to work with me in the afternoon. Although I was sad for our sitter (thank goodness her dad is okay), I was elated that I was "forced" to have that day. I also realized that I truly needed that day. It was more than a want, my soul needed to spend the extra time with B.

I asked the question, even though the timing wasn't right, and my boss agreed to let me work from home on Fridays. The only condition is that if I need to be in the office, I'm there, and I agree and understand. I'm on my second Friday with B and I can't describe the peace that I feel. Being away from him is difficult, but the light at the end of my weekly tunnel is closer now, and that makes everything easier.

I'm also finding that having a day with him is letting me be a better mom, wife and employee. I'm not trying to be everything at the same time and that is a huge relief and weight off of my shoulders. Having my day with him means that I don't feel the need to spend every waking minute with him on weekends. I can take time for myself and time for Nick and I, which will make me an even better mother and wife.

Product Review: Colgate® Optic White®

I was selected to take part in Influenster's Sugar 'n Spice VoxBox. One of the products that I received to test was the Colgate Optic White System. This system included a toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash. I was pretty excited to get a new toothbrush. It has "whitening cups" and "polishing bristles," which are supposed to help hold the toothpaste and keep it in your mouth and on your teeth. The back of the brush also had a texture added that you could use to scrape your tongue, which also helps to freshen breath.

I was a little hesitant to try to the toothpaste because I have always been a loyal Crest user, but in the spirit of trying new things, I decided to give it a whirl. The toothpaste foamed up in my mouth more than what I was expecting. It has a great taste, so I didn't really mind. The extra foam felt a little soapy at first, but after I got used to it, it felt like it was able to get in between my teeth and into all of the little nooks and crannies.

I'm not a huge fan of mouthwash, so I let Nick test that out. I just asked him what he thought and he said that he liked it, even though it was a little "stingy." I assume this means that its less painful than Listerine, because he continued to use it.

It was hard to tell if I got the whitening results that the product promised. I should have taken a before and after photo. I did feel like the products did a great job cleaning my teeth and freshening my breath. As a loyal Crest user, I feel like Colgate's Optic White toothpaste will be finding a place in my shopping cart very soon, as long as I have a coupon, of course.

Memories

The other day, I was talking to a mom who said that she wasn't in a hurry to take her child to the zoo because the baby wouldn't remember it anyway. I was shocked and saddened at the same time...for her and for her baby. Every time we take B on a new adventure, I know that he won't remember any of it, but I will. As his momma, I'm the keeper of his memories. I take this job very seriously (as you can tell by the number of photos on my iPhone). My job is to make sure that I live in the moment with him, lock it away in my memories and then paint him a picture some day so that my memories become his. Will he remember that time that him and my dad walked around JC Penney, looking at the lights and "picking up women"? No. But I will. Will he remember his first time at a farm, seeing cows and goats? No. But I will. Will he remember his first, 2nd and 3rd wine tastings and how fascinated he was, watching the wine, swirling in the glasses? No. But I will. Someday, I'll tell him all about the many adventures that he's been on, and he'll be amazed (or maybe appalled). But, when he asks, I'll show him photos and tell him about the fun that we had with him. Maybe he won't remember the exact moment that he saw fish at the zoo for the first time, but that will be a moment that I'll never forget. I hope that the awe in my voice and the tears in my eyes when I tell him someday, will create a whole other memory for him that will be with him always.

Changes

Last Saturday, I gave $2 to a homeless man.

I can't think of the last time that I was compelled to give my hard earned money to anyone who I felt wasn't doing their part to earn their own. On Saturday, something felt different. I had just picked up lunch for a friend and their new baby. I was sitting at a red light, in my new-ish car, with my clean clothes and my son, sleeping in the seat behind me. I saw a man standing in the median with a sign claiming that he needed work and money. His clothes were filthy and if he wasn't homeless, he was a damn good actor. I watched him for a minute and saw someone else offer some cash. He limped over to the car with a limp that looked genuine and very painful. The only thought that I had in my head was, "he is someone's son." 

When that thought flashed across my brain, I realized that the changes brought on by becoming a mother have been more drastic than I originally thought. Prior to B's arrival, my thoughts would have been, "I'm not giving drug money" or "He's probably going to drink the cash away" or "I bet his BMW is parked around the corner and he's one hell of an actor." 

Six months ago, I would have driven right by him, without a second thought. Instead, I reached into my wallet, found $2, rolled down my window and handed it to a stranger. I didn't care what he was going to use it for, I just cared that someone's son was standing there, with a sign and he needed help. I knew that if that was my son, that I'd want someone to roll down their window, give him money and make him feel better.

As I drove away, I said a little prayer that he'd find what he was looking for and that he'd get enough that day to make things a little easier for him. I also said a prayer that my son would never have to know what hardship like that felt like.

Living on less

Baby B has had a significant impact on the amount of fun money that we have to spend. To offset the cost of childcare and my new Zulily habit, we're trying to live on less. As is typical of me, I keep getting distracted by shiny objects and then find myself swirling in a sea of contradiction. Here are a few examples:

• The coupons that I proudly printed and cut out from Coupons.com didn't scan at the grocery store, so to get my $5.35 in savings, I sent Nick BACK to the store, reprinted coupons and receipt in hand 
• On Friday, while in the car on the way to Pittsburgh, I purchased a brand new llama collar for Chino. I mean, how could I say no to this? By the way, if you are looking for really cute and durable collars for your furbaby - I highly recommend collars from The Mod Dog on Etsy
  
• We are currently in the midst of "Eat what you have week" because I am determined to use up as many of our existing groceries as we can before going to the grocery store on Sunday
• I just purchased 12 bottles of foaming hand soap (they were on sale...but 12? yes 12)

Unfortunately, I've perfected the art of justification. Here's an example: I'm no longer drinking beer at bars, and I would have bought the llama collar anyway, so therefore I'm actually ahead and because I have to go to work every day, I deserve to be able to buy this llama collar for my mutt who already has 15 collars. Yes, I can read the crazy. 

As we continue to adapt to live with Baby B, we ARE getting better at living on less and/or justifying frivolous expenses. Really, if you would see a before/after of our Visa bill, you'd be shocked and amazed at the amount of money we were spending on beer. The growing pains are still...painful. It takes a lot of adjustment to go from DINKS to DIOKS.

Month Five

These photo shoots are getting more and more challenging!

Dear B,

I really can't believe that five months has gone by since you joined our family. Time flies when you're having fun, but it also flies when you're sleep deprived, working full time and trying to get a handle on this whole parenting gig. The last month has been a whirlwind of more firsts and lots of fun as we continue our metamorphosis from DINKs to parents (wait, does that make us DIKs or DIOKs?).  We've had another busy month! Here are some of the highlights:

• Your 4-month Dr. appointment - you took your shots like a champ
• Your first time alone all day with Daddy! 
• A trip to the home show (you loved the fountains)
• Mastering the art of tummy time (backs are for babies)
• Rolling - EVERYWHERE (only one mishap so far)
• First tooth
• Lots of smiles
• Your first real laugh (at me!)
• Another trip to Wyandotte Winery
• St. Patrick's day
• Your first time riding in the cart at Kroger
• Learning how to kick your legs in the bathtub
• Second tooth!

You are fascinated by Chino, and although he won't admit it, we think he likes you too. 

Tummy Time

You still love my singing voice and it is one of the few things that can soothe you if you are tired, hungry or both. 

I love weekends!

We haven't given you food yet, but you love the plastic spoon that you get to play with while we eat dinner every night. We take you everywhere, which means that you can sleep everywhere. But, when you're awake, you want to be right in the middle of the action and not sitting in your carseat, off to the side. 

Date night at Marcos - your first time in your travel high chair!

You have such a bright and easy-going personality with a tough guy spirit. I can already tell that you are brave and strong, with a kind heart. You bring such joy to our lives and we are continually amazed by how much you change every day. I'm so thankful for you because you are the only one who has helped me to enjoy the moments and live in the now. I am grateful for you and so happy to be your mom. 

Love,

Momma

Temporary Insanity

I've figured out that being a mom also comes with periods of temporary insanity. During moments like these, it is very important to have someone around to talk you off the ledge and bring you back to reality.

Shortly before this photographic moment, Nick talked me out of thinking that at $100 adirondack chair, for someone who can't even sit up, was a good idea. I'm still not convinced.