Finally

Honestly, our whole family has been going insane. I'm sick of inside being the only option. Poor Chino is going insane, since the cold weather means no family strolls. The fact that he still goes insane, as an almost 8 year old mutt makes me extremely happy, until he's outside barking like a maniac for no apparent reason. Earlier this week, we got a reprieve from the ridiculously cold temperatures and finally got to enjoy an evening stroll. B is all about the walking these days and I'm so happy that Nick captured this photo of me and my boys.

Editor's note: The real story about what's going on in this picture is that B doesn't like to have his hand held, and he's looking at me, trying to figure out how to escape. Chino is in between poops and inappropriate behavior directed toward neighborhood kids and pets. Even though this picture appears to be peaceful and tranquil, it is a snapshot of the chaos that I can't wait to get home to every night.

My first SO WHAT Wednesday!

I discovered a new blog, "Life After I Dew," thanks to my hair stylist Holly. Once I started reading, I was hooked. She's a mom, she isn't perfect and she shares REAL ideas (not just Pinterest beauty shots). One of her weekly posts is SO WHAT Wednesdays! So here is my very first go at it! 

This week, I'm saying SO WHAT if…

• I haven't done much laundry since Christmas. If I don't want to wear the clothes that are left in my drawers, it may be time to do a purge.
• I can't get my lazy butt out of bed to exercise in the morning. As long as I do it at some point in the day, that is winning and I'm going to stop beating myself up about it.
• I've continued to eat chocolate and sweets every day. If I give it up completely, it will just be a recipe for disaster.
• I'm walking more than I'm running these days. As long as I'm moving and the sweat is flowing, that's all that really matters.
• My days aren't perfect…I'm finding that the most perfect days rarely are.

What are you saying SO WHAT to this week?

A very important anniversary

It's official. I've been a working mom for one full year. I'm not normally one for documenting dates, but I remember this date without fail. I remember the emotions that I felt and the sadness that overcame me when I handed B over to his babysitter on that very first day. I'm so very glad for this blog because it is a place for me to remember and reflect on where I was and where I'm going.

I'll spare you the details about what it was like for me to return to work. I will say that if you are a working mommy that is heading back to or has headed back to work, whatever you are feeling is normal. If you are sad, that's ok. If you are excited, that's ok too. If you are depressed and feeling guilty, that's also ok. All of the emotions are normal. Whatever you are doing and thinking is right. Don't let someone else tell you how you should feel or react to an extremely emotional and difficult time. I will tell you that adjusting to your new normal takes a lot of time. Reflecting on the past year, I've realized that even when I thought I was doing a lot of things wrong, I was doing a lot more things right.

One of those Mommy Moments

Dear B.,

I just had one of those moments with you that I hope I never forget. I'm sitting here typing this with tears running down my face because my heart is so full. And just so you know, there isn't much that can make me cry besides you and your brother, Chino.

Tonight was just a typical Monday night. We had a minor dinner disaster, which forced us to pull out some leftover meatloaf from the freezer. Daddy had a conference call for work, so he was eating in the dining room, which meant that you and I had evening playtime to ourselves. You chose to read some books and play in your rocking chair.

You had to sit first and then I handed you your book.

As the clock ticked closer to 7:00, I noticed the telltale signs of bedtime. You get extra snuggly and sit still for more than just a few seconds. Lately, you love to listen to "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Hickory Dickory Dock" play on my phone while curled up on my lap. When snuggles turned to whimpers, I asked if you were ready to brush your teeth.

You love to brush your teeth, so when I asked you, you squirmed off of my lap and RAN down the hall to the steps. When I opened the gate, you scrambled upstairs and marched into the bathroom, saying "teeth." We brushed and rinsed and then you ran down the hallway to your room for me to change your diaper, put you into your pajamas, read you a book and put you to bed.

Usually, I put you in your crib and you flip over to your belly and go right to sleep. Tonight was different though, and I'm not sure why. When I put you down, you immediately started to cry. Sometimes you cry a little while you get situated and comfortable, so I didn't come back to your room right away. Instead, I went to our bedroom to grab some laundry and then headed to the basement to throw it in the washing machine. When I came back upstairs, you were still crying, so I went to your room and picked you up. You stopped immediately.

We sat in the rocking chair and I sang you your favorite songs. We alternated between "You are my sunshine" and "1 little 2 little B's" singing some verses and humming others. You snuggled into my lap, leaned your head back, sucked your thumb and played with your blankets. When I had run through both songs several times, we just sat in silence while I rocked you. Your eyes were open but you were relaxed, still sucking your thumb and keeping a firm grip on your blankets. Finally, you took your thumb out of your mouth, looked up at me and put your hand on my face. We sat there for a few more quiet moments and then you leaned forward as if you were ready for bed. I stood up, said goodnight, put you down and off to dreamland you went.

Tonight, I took my own advice and lived in the moment with you. The dishes are still dirty, the laundry is piled up and there are toys all over the floor. I have work to do and emails to send, but tonight, you needed your mommy, so none of that mattered. Thank you for that moment that you gave me and for the pure joy you injected into my soul, it was as if you knew how much I needed it.

Love,
Momma

Bend your knees and balance

Since I went back to work in January, mommy guilt has been a constant. In an effort to try to achieve balance or maybe to justify my position as a working mom, I decided to read the book, Lean In, to gain another perspective on my new situation.

The my kind-of new but not that new anymore reality is that I'm now a full time wife, mom, and employee. That is 300% of one person, which is a lot. The basis of Lean In is that support is essential for any woman to achieve success in her life (personal + professional) and I'm lucky that I have that. I just tend to put a lot of the pressure on myself to be the best, know the most and to have it all together. When I feel one area slipping, I get a little panicky and scramble to get it together, which often leads to more panic. 

As I've acclimated to being a working mom, I've been lucky enough to have conversations with friends to find out that I'm not alone in these feelings. We all are feeling the pressure to be the best at everything, which means that something's gotta give, but we won't let it. We're all strong women, with professional goals who don't want to miss a second of their kids' lives. In a nutshell: We want to have our cake, eat it too and collect a full time salary while we're doing it. 

Honestly, I'm probably taking this too literally, but the idea of "leaning in" to my career, scares the crap out of me. I'm a classic Type A overachiever. I want to be the best at what I do, whatever that may be. Now that I'm a mom, this means that I have to be the best mom in the history of moms. I have to win at mommy-ing.

What I was hoping to read from the pages of "Lean In" was some fresh perspective on balance. Instead, what I read was about how you should Lean In to your career and rely on your partner for support as you continue your climb up the corporate ladder. Throughout the book, it seemed as if childrearing was more of a transaction than an experience. As long as one parent was home, that would be ok...that counted. Maybe for Sheryl Sandberg that was enough, but for me, the thought of leaning further into my job instead of into my new role as a mother is a scary thought.

Instead of "Leaning In", I'm taking a different approach. My approach is to bend my knees and balance. Some days, I have to lean in and some days I have to lean back, but if I keep my knees soft, I can be flexible to attack whatever may be in store.  

Did you read the book? Are you leaning in, leaning back or doing a little bit of both?

New Traditions

It is already January 6th and I'm behind on my blogging. I've got lots to catch up on, including the mandatory New Year's Resolution post, that just about everyone has to write at some point. Before I dive into that, pretend that I'm writing this on January 1st and that I'm giving a recap of New Year's Eve. Are you with me? Ok good.

In years past, New Year's Eve was a time of fancy outfits, expensive dinners, lots of drinking and a big fat hangover to ring in the new year. Then, B arrived and all of that changed. Last year, we did the fancy dinner with friends and then came home and watched the ball drop. This year, we decided to take a more thoughtful approach to the holiday, and I'm so very glad that we did.

We decided to start the evening out with steak at J.Gilbert's and we took the tiny human with us along for the ride. A friend and her husband joined us as well, so our New Year's reservation was for 4 and a highchair. Since they are parents, they weren't scared of a tiny human in a restaurant and didn't skip a beat when he got a little antsy towards the end of the meal. To keep the schedule in tact, our reservations were for 5pm. I'm also proud to say that I didn't see many other tiny humans out for dinner. I'm sure our fellow diners took a deep breath when we walked in with B, but tiny humans are portable and he's part of the family.

After dinner, we headed home with a plan to attempt to bake a New Year's Pretzel. Growing up in Pennsylvania, this was a staple for my family for New Year's. Eating it on New Year's Day is supposed to bring good luck. It isn't anything complicated, just cinnamon bread, shaped like a pretzel with some icing on top. Unfortunately for me though, it isn't something that is common in Ohio and every year I suffer with a sub par New Year's Pretzel. First world problem, I know.

Since we decided to go without a babysitter this year (not that we have many options), I thought it would be fun to bake our own. We had all of the raw materials and just needed a few packs of yeast. To prepare, I got to pinning and researching some recipes and came across a recipe on the Ronald McDonald House website. Link. Ours looks nothing like this, so we took some pictures of our project!

iPhone at the ready

Selfie before we got to work

Adding flour to the butter/milk/yeast mixture.

Elbow grease!

We used this recipe as a guideline, eliminating the apple/nut filling and adding cinnamon sugar instead. The result? A giant pretzel that tasted like bread. BUT - it was better than the store bought versions in year's past. It was also a really fun activity for Nick and I to do while we waited for the ball to drop. I'm looking forward to having B help with this in the coming years and really hope that this becomes a regular tradition in our house...after I perfect the recipe, of course.

 

Holy. Crap.

The past year has been such a blur of emotions. As a new mom with a full-time job, this doesn't surprise me. What did surprise me was when I felt myself starting to come into my own as both a mom and a wife…I'm not sure if I would go so far to say that I'm starting to find myself, but I really think that I am. The changes are subtle and a lot of people may not even notice, but to me, they are profound. I'm starting to weigh options and activities against the marathon of pregnancy, childbirth and breast-feeding. I'm making decisions based on how important they are to me and not because they are the things I should be doing because everyone else is doing.

I made one of those decisions a few days ago. I registered for the Cap City 1/2 Marathon on May 3.

Let me type that again - maybe so I can read it again. I registered for the Cap City 1/2 Marathon.

Me.

Me who hasn't really exercised much since B was born because I can't seem to justify the time spent away from him.

Me, who hates running with a passion and who whined and complained through two (yes, two) half-marations in 2010.

Me, who abruptly stopped running after those two marathons (after getting into the best shape of my life, by the way).

Those scenarios and examples were the definitions of the old me…or maybe the previous me.

All I could think of when I hit the "register" button on that 1/2 Marathon was, "I can do this."

Me, who carried that tiny human for 9 months.

Me, who held on through labor until I got to 9cm.

Me, who made a ONE YEAR commitment to breast-feed and did it.

Me, who wants to be a strong, healthy momma and wife for my two boys and fur baby.

Me.

Becoming a mom has shifted how I perceive myself. I don't know when it happened, but realizing it is incredibly humbling and empowering. The old me, would have thought that 12 weeks of training (or in my case, 4 1/2 months) was FOREVER. Now, I realize that  this is just a blip on the calendar that will happen whether I run or not. The pain of training and running has faded away and all I can remember is how powerful it was to log those miles and feel that sweat. Instead of dreading the training ahead of me, I'm looking forward to the journey.