Lag time

I had an epiphany. Nick has been on a delay when it comes to our new reality. Maybe ephiphany is too strong a word, but there is a definite lag. I was thinking about the last 12 months or so, thinking about the changes that I and we have gone through and realized that I had a my "brick wall" moment in February of 2012, and Nick didn't have his until October 2012.

My life changed as soon as I peed on that stick. The minute that I saw that second line, I began to worry about the food that I ate, the activities that I participated in and the sleep that I desperately needed. My drinking days officially ended. I was still a social butterfly, but the changes that happened as soon as the pregnancy was confirmed were drastic.

When I peed on the stick, Nick's life didn't change...that much. He became subject to my neurotic behavior, but was still able to drink beer and stay out late. He didn't have to microwave his lunch meat. He didn't develop a sudden distaste for everything smoked and he didn't have to say goodbye to caffeine and artificial sweeteners. He had a pregnant wife, but everything else was status quo.

Fast forward to summer time. The baby is starting to show, much to my excitement. I'm starting to walk a little slower and thanks to my bladder, I'm sleeping a little less. I'm experiencing the baby and have been for awhile. Staying out late isn't as appealing as it once was and my entire wardrobe is comprised of elastic pants stretchy and flowy shirts. Nick is still enjoying beer on the patio, poker night and happy hours.

This continues on into the fall...you get the idea. I'm not upset with him, just a tad jealous. Maybe jealous isn't the right word, but its the best that I can come up with. My heartburn is annoying and my back is sore sometimes, but all in all, I'm just my normal self with a large belly. As my belly grew, I was getting more and more comfortable with the idea that the baby was coming...and coming soon.

Once the time came, I approached the birthday with relief that the pregnancy was coming to an end and that a new chapter was beginning. I didn't think that Baby B's birthday marked a "brick wall" moment for Nick. I recently realized though that for him, that moment was the equivalent of peeing on the stick. His life changed completely from one day to the next.

This delay wasn't obvious to me at first. It didn't become obvious until B was around 6 months old or so. I think it was on weekend that we didn't have plans. The pre-parent versions of us would have headed to a bar or to dinner or something, making up the plans as we go. I knew that this wasn't an option for us during this particular weekend, but Nick was having a hard time wrapping his head around it. He was grumpy, indecisive and generally annoyed. I was annoyed, but only because we couldn't figure out where we wanted to go or what we wanted to do.

After we talked in circles for a little bit, we came to the realization that he was missing the fact that our previous shenanigans weren't an option anymore, without some very specific planning done before/after. Although he didn't miss the bar scene, he missed having it as an option, and I totally understood. At that moment, I realized that he was 6 months (or so) in to this journey, and I was 15. A full 6 months ahead of him when it came to our new normal. Better late than never.

New undies

This weekend, Nick and I headed to Chicago for our first baby free weekend to celebrate the marriage of two great friends. Yes. Baby Free. For the first time, since baby B took up residence in my belly, I was away from him.

We rushed to get ourselves together and packed and managed to get the suitcases closed and in the car. I quickly said goodbye to my mom and to B and then got in.  I'm not going to lie, when we pulled out of the driveway, on our way to the airport, I had tears in my eyes. Nick knew that I wasn't ok, and made small talk with my dad in the front seat, while I calmed myself down. I felt like the best and worst mom all at once. I felt good because I knew that he would be ok (seriously, I survived, so my parents obviously know what they're doing) but felt terrible because I was leaving my baby boy for a WHOLE WEEKEND, which included two nights without his momma.

Once I composed myself, I was pleasantly surprised that I (for the most part), returned to my normal self. I felt my batteries recharging, I felt myself relax. I say relax, but if you have ever traveled with me, you know that relaxation is a relative term when it comes to exploring new spaces.

On the flight home, I had some time to think and realized that the the two-ish days that I was away from B, were very important for many reasons. They let me reconnect with Nick and with myself, which will ultimately let me be a better momma to B. My previous "normal" was now strange in a way. I only had a small purse when I left the hotel instead of three bags and a baby. I was only responsible for getting myself dressed and ready, although I'm apparently a little rusty as it turned out that I forgot to pack underwear. Thankfully, we were in a civilized city and Nick is fully capable of going to Walgreens and picking out an acceptable three-pack for the both of us. Despite the minor mishap, I have to say that it felt good to reconnect with the pre-parent versions of ourselves and with each other.

At the wedding reception, wearing our new undies under our fancy clothes

Although the tiny human was never far from our thoughts and we missed him terribly, we took great care not to discuss him 24/7. I think this is extremely important so that we don't lose ourselves and each other in being the best parents that we can be. Eventually, it will be back to just the two of us and I want to be sure we still have stuff to talk about. It was also important because it gave B time to spend with his Grammy and Grampy, who don't live close enough to just pop in and visit. They got to take him antiquing and out to ice cream and to brunch, and they had him all to themselves. Knowing the fun that they were having, and feeling their excitement, made it much easier for me to be away.

When our flight landed, I was ready to see B. We picked our bags up and I walked out to anxiously wait for my parents to bring the car around. When I saw my baby recognize me, I felt my heart swell. That moment of recognition was hard to describe, but seeing him see me was so very cool.

When we got back the house and I picked him up, I felt right. He did too. There was no hesitation, he just knew. Maybe he didn't miss me until that moment, and that is ok. I hope that he was having so much fun that he didn't realize I was gone until I was back.

I don't think I realized how out of whack I was until I wasn't anymore. The few days away to just be me renewed my perspective and helped me reconnect and recenter. This feeling is something that I'm going to try to remember so that when I need some time for me, even if its just a few minutes, I take it.

Organization

In an effort to get my massive camera roll of photos under control, I just reorganized into albums. I can tell that chaos has become my normal because the feeling that I got when I saw the albums, all in a row, labeled with "Month One, Month Two", etc. just made me so happy. It also helped organize my thoughts because I am WAY behind on my baby book. Thank goodness that I'm snap happy, so I can scroll back and remember what we've been up to lately. I just need to figure out what I'm going to do with these little snippets of memories. I'm really bad at printing and hanging, because I want to hang all of the pictures EVERYWHERE and never take them down. Maybe I'll load them onto a Flash drive and put them in my digital frames. Or maybe, I'll just scroll through them in all of their organized glory.

Month Six

Dear B.,

How are you already six months old! The last month has flown by, which isn't surprising. I've been slacking on the blog, so this will be more of a list for you. Its getting harder and harder to keep track of all of your firsts. Good thing I'm kind of a maniac with the camera, so I can at least flip back through my phone to see what we were up to. I'm looking at it now and can't help but smile at how much you've already changed. Some of the fun you had:

• Bath time! You love to kick the water and the cups in the tub. You've been moved to the big boy bathtub because of the nightly tidal waves. 
  
  
  
• Your first Easter! Of course, you pooped your pants and spit up, RIGHT before we met the bunny. The photo came out great though. Your grammy, grampy and aunt were all there to watch. You wore a special outfit that your Aunt Kristin bought for you. 
  
• Pinkeye! Thanks to your friends at daycare, you came home with this. You took your eyedrops like a champ and never missed a beat. I think you enjoyed having your daddy and me home for an extra day since you were banned from Lana's.
• Up on all fours! You are up on your hands and knees, rocking back and forth. You have some scooting that you've mastered, but you haven't crawled yet. I'm wondering if you'll skip right to walking? When I took this photo, you had just plopped down on your tummy.
  
• Lots of smiles. You are getting more and more engaging, laughing and interacting with your daddy and I. It melts my heart every time and there isn't anything I won't do to make you laugh.
• First trip to the zoo. I'll never forget you seeing the fish for the first time. Even now, it brings tears to my eyes.
  
  
  
• First pair of shorts. I know that this isn't a major thing, but you looked so darn cute.

I know that I say this every month, but I am having so much fun being your mom. I'm still suffering from a horrible case of mommy guilt, but the more I think about it, I think that its a good thing. That means that when I pick you up from Lana's house, I'm all yours. There aren't any chores happening, just playtime, walks and fun. Daddy and I take care of the house stuff (sometimes) after you go to bed. You are such a good sleeper, but a stickler for a schedule. Bedtime begins around 7pm every night with your bath and then you sleep until around 6:45-7am the next day. You choose to get your sleep at night so you don't miss anything during the day. Honestly, I'm happy that you do this because it just means more time for fun.

Love,

Momma

Clarity

I know that I've been slacking on the blog front. I keep meaning to write a post and then I get distracted by a baby, a husband, a mutt, a TV show or a shiny object. Right now though, the baby is sleeping, the husband is at work, the mutt is napping and Drug Wars is on TV (its a repeat), so I can focus.

I also realize that I am two posts behind. Baby B is now 7 months old. YES. SEVEN. That means that he's been out for almost as long as he was in. For some reason, that thought blows my mind. I'll fill you in on his latest tricks in another post. Right now, this one's about me.

I'm one of those "everything is fine" people and it usually is. Lately though, I've been faking. A lot. Nick knows that I haven't been honest, but not many other people do. I've been struggling with mommy guilt and it has been consuming my thoughts. I've always been the type of person who had to have her cake and eat it too. I want to be everywhere and do everything, even if multiple things are happening at the same time. Becoming a mom has forced me to make a decision. I can't have everything (despite the popular Lean In philosophy), but I want everything.

The moment of clarity came to me the other night while walking with the family. I was trying to be the world's best wife, mom and employee and the pressure that I was putting on myself was completely taking over my brain and starting to creep into my marriage. Every night, Nick would listen to me talk in circles. Should I quit? Could I quit? If I quit, would I like it? Every night he would tell me that we could figure it out if I did, but that he wasn't convinced (and deep down, I'm not either) that becoming a stay at home mom would be the best fit for me.

At work, I'm finally hitting my stride. Social media is becoming more and more of a go-to marketing channel and I'm the one that is helping to shape and create the strategy that will drive it. I've worked very hard to get where I am and to do what I do. I take pride in the fact that my job has an impact on the lives of so many people, which is why I choose to work where I do.

Shortly after this conversation with Nick, I decided that I couldn't wait for timing to get better and I had to talk to my boss about a work from home day. I had been putting it off because of the insane workload that we are all dealing with right now, but it was becoming more and more apparent that the conversation couldn't wait.

Last week, our sitter called off at the last minute because her dad had a health issue. That meant that I got to stay home with B for the morning and then take him in to work with me in the afternoon. Although I was sad for our sitter (thank goodness her dad is okay), I was elated that I was "forced" to have that day. I also realized that I truly needed that day. It was more than a want, my soul needed to spend the extra time with B.

I asked the question, even though the timing wasn't right, and my boss agreed to let me work from home on Fridays. The only condition is that if I need to be in the office, I'm there, and I agree and understand. I'm on my second Friday with B and I can't describe the peace that I feel. Being away from him is difficult, but the light at the end of my weekly tunnel is closer now, and that makes everything easier.

I'm also finding that having a day with him is letting me be a better mom, wife and employee. I'm not trying to be everything at the same time and that is a huge relief and weight off of my shoulders. Having my day with him means that I don't feel the need to spend every waking minute with him on weekends. I can take time for myself and time for Nick and I, which will make me an even better mother and wife.

Product Review: Colgate® Optic White®

I was selected to take part in Influenster's Sugar 'n Spice VoxBox. One of the products that I received to test was the Colgate Optic White System. This system included a toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash. I was pretty excited to get a new toothbrush. It has "whitening cups" and "polishing bristles," which are supposed to help hold the toothpaste and keep it in your mouth and on your teeth. The back of the brush also had a texture added that you could use to scrape your tongue, which also helps to freshen breath.

I was a little hesitant to try to the toothpaste because I have always been a loyal Crest user, but in the spirit of trying new things, I decided to give it a whirl. The toothpaste foamed up in my mouth more than what I was expecting. It has a great taste, so I didn't really mind. The extra foam felt a little soapy at first, but after I got used to it, it felt like it was able to get in between my teeth and into all of the little nooks and crannies.

I'm not a huge fan of mouthwash, so I let Nick test that out. I just asked him what he thought and he said that he liked it, even though it was a little "stingy." I assume this means that its less painful than Listerine, because he continued to use it.

It was hard to tell if I got the whitening results that the product promised. I should have taken a before and after photo. I did feel like the products did a great job cleaning my teeth and freshening my breath. As a loyal Crest user, I feel like Colgate's Optic White toothpaste will be finding a place in my shopping cart very soon, as long as I have a coupon, of course.

Memories

The other day, I was talking to a mom who said that she wasn't in a hurry to take her child to the zoo because the baby wouldn't remember it anyway. I was shocked and saddened at the same time...for her and for her baby. Every time we take B on a new adventure, I know that he won't remember any of it, but I will. As his momma, I'm the keeper of his memories. I take this job very seriously (as you can tell by the number of photos on my iPhone). My job is to make sure that I live in the moment with him, lock it away in my memories and then paint him a picture some day so that my memories become his. Will he remember that time that him and my dad walked around JC Penney, looking at the lights and "picking up women"? No. But I will. Will he remember his first time at a farm, seeing cows and goats? No. But I will. Will he remember his first, 2nd and 3rd wine tastings and how fascinated he was, watching the wine, swirling in the glasses? No. But I will. Someday, I'll tell him all about the many adventures that he's been on, and he'll be amazed (or maybe appalled). But, when he asks, I'll show him photos and tell him about the fun that we had with him. Maybe he won't remember the exact moment that he saw fish at the zoo for the first time, but that will be a moment that I'll never forget. I hope that the awe in my voice and the tears in my eyes when I tell him someday, will create a whole other memory for him that will be with him always.